Executive Coaching &
Leadership Training Blog

Let’s be honest, we all have to suck it up more than we would like. It’s the nature of living in an imperfect world with other imperfect people. From the daily slights, unresponsive co-workers to annoying meetings, we are all sucking it up on a daily basis.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the big things that feel like a heavy blanket that smothers the best parts of ourselves. I see it in my clients when they talk about “sticking it out for another 2 years” or who resign themselves to “keeping their head down” in a toxic system. I think a younger, more impulsive me would have wanted to shake them while quoting Mary Oliver’s The Summer Day. “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” 

Fall always feels bittersweet to me.   

I love the stillness of the air, the waning warmth of the sun and the vividness of the trees just before they shed their leaves for the season.  

 I also feel a slight sadness.  Without being fully conscious of it, I notice that this time of year makes me want to shed a few things of my own.  Some of what I’m letting go of is small and insignificant.  It’s the equivalent of cleaning out my closet.   

But other things are more daunting to release - work that had once made me happy but no longer does; relationships that haven’t worked in a long time; and dreams that I have outgrown.   

 Here’s the thing though, endings are hard. They are full of ‘what-ifs’, ambiguity and sadness.  Letting go also takes time.  We can’t expect ourselves to have an intellectual knowing and then move straight into action.   

We know that ChatGPT and AI will radically change the world in ways we can’t even imagine. How we deal with that realization varies from person-to-person.

Personally, I fall into the curious but overwhelmed camp, so I arranged an interview with an expert in Generative AI. Let me introduce you to Dominik Heinrich, former client and now creative collaborator. Dominik is a global leader in innovation design and has been a trailblazer in generative AI.

What follows is an interview not so much about the global implications, but more about how people like you, busy executives with limited time, can begin to use AI to leverage their time and their strengths.

Let’s talk about you.  How are you being excluded, overlooked or under-valued?
Recently, clients have shared some of the ways that they’ve felt left out or overlooked.  Relate to any?

Clients come to coaching to become better leaders. Most imagine our work together centering on models, assessments, and tactics.  In the early days of our coaching relationship, they come to our meetings with some version of: 
“Tell me what to do.” 

I've never been a resolution person.  They always struck me as a great way to disappoint myself.  For many years, I chose a theme word. That worked.  But this year, I couldn't even muster a word.  Maybe it's that this year feels…uncertain.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

If you’re like many leaders, your answer might be influenced by an incident.

Maybe you witnessed it - someone losing it - crying, raging or reacting in a regrettable manner. Even worse, maybe it was you who lost it. It may have been yesterday or 10 years ago, but it was enough to make you vow, consciously or not, to check your emotions at the door.

If yoga feels like a competitive sport, it might be a clue that you're missing the point.

My new t-shirt says: I’m not for everyone. I bought this t-shirt as a reminder that, if the goal is to “be for everyone,” then I am probably watering down who I am. How often am I trying to make it easy for other people by not sharing a strong opinion, an expectation or a preference? This shirt reminds me that it’s ok not to be chosen. It doesn’t mean that the sting of rejection doesn’t hurt, but it’s a whole lot easier than trying to fit into something that I probably never really wanted anyways. How about you? In what areas of your life are you trying too hard to “be for everyone”? What are you giving up by not fully expressing yourself?

How often do we move through our lives tending to one thing then the next without pausing to reflect on what it meant to us? It may not be until we share the moment with someone else and see their response to it that we realize that our life, in its seeming regularity, is actually worth paying attention to.

* This is a special newsletter. It was co-written with one of my clients. A few weeks ago, I got off a Zoom with Matt (of course, not his real name), and wrote this piece as a follow-up to our conversation highlighting what I heard and what I didn’t say to him. Later that day, I handed it off to him asking for his input. Hmmm...just now seeing how meta this is – working with a thought partner to write about thought partnership. Anyways, here is our co-creation. (Thanks ‘Matt’ – you inspire me with your curiosity, awareness and commitment to becoming a better human being.)

I told one of my first coaches that I wanted to ‘reach my potential’ and in her characteristic bluntness, she said that sounded ambitious. I didn’t like her response. Ambitious or not, I wanted to unlock my stuckness. I was tired of myself and of the same situations happening to me over and over again.

I also wanted something that would accelerate my growth. I wanted to see what exactly I was capable of.

“There will always be people who are smarter and more talented than you are.”

In terms of parental pep talks, this isn’t the stuff of inspiration. My mom first said this to me when I was in junior high and feeling ‘less than.’ She could have taken a lot of angles to soothe her frizzy haired, slightly odd daughter, but instead she chose clear-eyed honesty that didn’t do much for me in the moment, but has come to serve as somewhat of a mantra for me…

A friend of mine works for a Wall Street firm. As a result of Covid, she has been able to work in a satellite office rather than schlepping into NYC. Besides lessening her commute by 2+ hours each day, she was also enjoying the more casual surroundings and dress code. She was thrilled that this was going to continue until sometime in 2022. Last weekend she told me that changed almost overnight. In a matter of weeks, they are expected to be back in the NYC office. She’s not one to complain, but the suddenness of the decision threw her. Inherent in her reaction was a feeling of powerlessness. There is nothing she can do to change the outcome.

I like the idea that our lives are made up of chapters, rather than a continuum of events. It resonates with me, especially now as we inch our way out of the Covid chapter, at least here in the US. As this chapter begins to close, I’ve been reflecting on my life over the past year. How have I grown? What have I learned? What do I want this next chapter to be?

I love sleeping. Or at least I used to. Lately though, I’ve been waking up around midnight and laying there ruminating. It’s a great word, isn’t it? Like a cow that keeps chewing its cud over and over again, I lay there in the dark endlessly dissecting this thing that’s been bothering me. I know, I know. Not productive, but it’s like eating a bag of Cheetos. I know it’s not good for me and I’ll regret it later, but I can’t stop…

“Liminal space... It is where we are betwixt and between, having left one room or stage of life but not yet entered the next. We usually enter liminal space when our former way of being is challenged or changed—perhaps when we lose a job or a loved one, during illness, at the birth of a child, or a major relocation. It is a graced time, but often does not feel “graced” in any way. In such space, we are not certain or in control.”

One of my clients, Jennifer, is alternately referred to as Wonder Woman and a Force of Nature by her team. After less than a minute of small talk during this week’s coaching conversation, it was clear that Jennifer was struggling with something.

A few weeks ago, I facilitated a conversation between the CEO and the CTO of a tech company. The CEO, like many tech founders, is also the Head of Product. He’s a visionary for more, better, faster. He is always pushing. The CTO, on the other hand, knows what goes into each iteration and wants to protect his team. He often finds himself pushing back.

Both wanted to know how they could minimize the tension between them.

And you know what? I fell for it…

Every leader has their signature style of leading when managing their team.

Your leadership style is probably well-known. Before people join your team, they already have a perception of what it will be like to work for you. If they don’t know much about you, they ask others about their experience. And while you may be a multidimensional person, there is a good chance that your style will be boiled down to a simple soundbite, especially if you rely too heavily on one single style of leading.

What do I mean?…

“I don’t know what to do…”

It’s a phrase that’s embedded in almost every coaching conversation I have. Sometimes it’s explicitly stated, but even when it’s not, it’s there.  

• I’m working too many hours. I’m exhausted, distracted and I’m not spending enough time with my family.  

• I like working with smart people in academia, but a part of me wonders what it would be like to work in a start-up environment.  

Even in the best of times we all want to get a glimpse into how other people are living their lives. It’s one of the things I love most about my work– I get to see how different organizations, teams and leaders navigate the complexities of life.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been listening for best practices, themes and lessons that feel important, not just for me, but also for other high-performing leaders. My hope, in putting these together, is that you read something that makes you feel like you’re not the only one experiencing this. And maybe you’ll make the smallest of adjustments that might help you be a better you for yourself, for your team and in your own life.

Over the past few weeks I’ve had a lot of coaching conversations. My clients have very little in common. They range from their 20’s to their 60’s. They are diverse in just about everything - how they identify their race and gender; what they do; their levels and the industries in which they work.

And you know what? For as different as they all are, there are certain universal themes that are underlying all of our conversations…

"Should." It’s a word we all know well, and has become especially prominent in this time of deep uncertainty. This month on LinkedIn, I explore the "should's" I all too often hear from my executive coaching clients, and how instead of allowing them to silence our inner wisdom, we can choose to gently lay them down.

I’m a big Tim Ferriss fan...and have been since The 4-Hour Workweek. Besides his books and his podcasts, I really like his “Five-Bullet Friday” newsletters. They are easy to digest and he always introduces me to something new (most recently the mentalist Derren Brown).

In that spirit, here are a few of the things that have challenged me and made me think more critically about myself and my relationships with others.

Curious about executive coaching but not sure exactly what to expect? I’ve rounded up 3 of the most common reasons clients use an executive coach in my latest article on Forbes, ”How to Use an Executive Coach.”

In my latest Forbes article, we get deep down into the art of dealing with difficult people at the office.

Hard as we might try, it's often impossible to avoid working with difficult people all together. But while we can't always choose who we work with, we can choose how we engage.

This month on Forbes I explore the little-known upsides of office politics and why you should be playing the game.

This week on Forbes, I’m talking executive presence. It’s a huge part of what people often come to me for, and for good reason. It’s the quality that really sticks with people. It’s what inspires teams, buys you influence, and, on a more personal level, helps you bring the best version of yourself to your work.